Because I was Colorblind

I can understand when Camille Wilson Cooper said, "A colorblind society is a detrimental one." 
I feel the oppression of colorblind racism every day. White students all around me are kind and wave hello to me, but that's as far as it really goes.  

In her essay Racially Conscious Mothering, she mentioned how black mothers have been raising their kids to become aware of the racial stratification of society. Black mothers are making their kids aware of how unfair America's society is to them simply because of their brown skin. I wish I had a mentor to tell me about this. I have only been living a lie since I wasn't able to recognize or study what racism really is. 

My mother didn't raise me to be racially conscious. After fleeing from the Vietcong during the Vietnam War, my parents and three older siblings were able to fly to the United States to make a new and better life here. Their minds were filled with the American Dream rhetoric. 

The words that filled my mind were: Education is the key to success! 

It seemed true for a long time. I did well in all my schooling. During high school I even took a few college courses--enough to fulfill a whole semester's worth of courses. I was off to college with so much enthusiasm and happiness because of my academic success. However, once I came here to St. Olaf College, I began experiencing something I could not have prepared for: classicism and racism...covert racism. I never knew these would hurt so much. 

My first year at St. Olaf College was a big disaster. For the first time ever, I was in a room full of white students who are super rich. Some had a few mansions, many had medical doctors for parents. I never felt so far behind in academics before. How could I, an immigrant daughter, compete with that? 

Every single day was an impossible battle in my mind. Before I went to class, I was already stressing about how I'm going to have to sit with all of those white students. When I made it to class, I sat with the international Chinese students so I wouldn't have to fear being judge by using incorrect grammar since the Chinese students I became friends with struggled to understand the English language. I felt more at home sitting next to them.

When class required me to speak for participation points, I began to rehearse a sentence or two in my head for 20 minutes before I actually raise my hand because my mind is always interrupted with fear of what the white students really think of me as an Asian person:

Ching chong, ling long, ting tong.
Those Asians can't even speak English.
They need to go back to China.
Their eyes are so chinky. 

My thoughts became more poisonous. Once I began to raise my hand, my face begins to redden. As I raise my hand up, chaos fills my mind:

I know, I just know, that if I mess up on my grammar when speaking out loud, all the white people will attach it to my whole race of Asians. 

When white people mess up on their grammar, it never attaches to them. 

Think about George W. Bush. 

He made lots of grammatical errors in his public speeches, but most of the American society thinks it was cute, simply adorable and such. 

The American society wouldn't label white people as grammatically incorrect imbeciles. 

If Obama made grammatical errors in his speech, all hell would break loose. 

All of this is because of racism. 

All of this was scrambling all over in my mind. 

Right before I am about to be called on, my mind tells me:
Don't mess up, don't mess up, don't be grammatically incorrect, please don't, or else they will all think you're stupid, they will all think Asian Americans from the ghetto poor neighborhoods are stupid and only made it to campus because of affirmative action and grant money...don't mess up....or else...

...and then the professor picks on me to make a comment....

"...Oh, never mind," I smile politely as my cheeks begin to burn.

"Are you sure?" My professor insists.

I lie, "...Um, you have already answered the question I had..."

"Okay" He turns toward the class again and continues lecture.

My mind is still at war. I replay all the words I've said out loud:

Oh, never mind...Um, you have already answered the question I had...

Oh, never mind...Um, you have already answered the question I had...

Oh, never mind...Um, you have already answered the question I had...

I pause.

I wonder if that statement was grammatically incorrect...

Hmm...
Oh, never mind...Um, you have already answered the question I had...
Oh, never mind...Um, you have already answered the question I had...

Hmm...
Oh, never mind...

Hmm...
Um, you have already answered the question I had...

Okay, I think it's okay...

~*~

I was never like this in high school. I went to a high school that was absolutely racially diverse. It was only when I came to an institution where I am really the only person of color in the classroom that I began to have all these fears of racism. Because all of the white students are very good at hiding their truly racist thoughts and perceptions (colorblind racism), my state of mind has become chaotic somehow. That is how I have tried to understand this situation. Before learning about colorblind racism, I just blamed myself for getting carried away with these thoughts and being far too hysterical. But no, there is a larger social force that is impacting my feelings and thoughts and that is the racial stratification of our society and all the things that emerges from it--colorblind racism, overt racism, white supremacy, etc. And it's not just race. My passiveness also has to do with how women in society are supposed to be the submissive obedient persons to men.

Colorblind racism is all around me. Even if white students did not say racist things to my face, I know it crosses their mind. I know they talk about it behind closed doors. Everyone seems friendly, but no one will ever invite me to their movie nights, luncheons, or other activities. Colorblind racism was destroying me, and I didn't even know it. I've heard several white students say colorblind racists things such as, "Oh, one of my best friends were black." Did they really hangout, invite each other over for dinner in their home, sleepovers, etc? I don't think so. Stop lying to me. 

I believe mothers need to be racially conscious and raise their kids to be aware of it. I believe everyone should be racially conscious just as Professor Ted Thornhill said in our class on Monday. If I had been raised by being aware of the racial stratification of this society and of the world, I believe I would have been a stronger person. I would not be such a passive Asian woman. My mind would not have endured   all this pain because I would have built a strong foundation on how to shift my thinking.